I need to change.
I can feel it my bones. They scream at me with every movement to take better control of my life. To become the person I desperately hope to be. With each passing day, I grow angrier and more resentful at the me that I am, knowing I can do better. I can lead a better life and be a better person.
Over the past few months, I’ve been slowly trying to transform myself into someone I proud to see in the mirror. I’m not really there yet. I have, however, slowly started upon my journey, even if I have not gone far from the starting line. No longer do I stay awake until two am on a work night, eating all the snacks in the house in one sitting. I now go to bed like a reasonable adult and try not to eat after seven. But that’s as far as I’ve come right now.
I’m a very sentimental person, so things hold a huge importance for me. Sometimes too much of an importance; a misplaced importance. For years now I’ve tried to be more ‘minimal’, to simplify my life in the hopes that it will help my mental health as in turn, I simplify my mind. I labour myself with too many ‘things’ be them physical or otherwise. I need to change this. I need to fill my life with things that make me feel happy and in which I can see a part of me. In two months I will be leaving Japan and hopefully, this new start will help me on this path.
I also want to change up my blog. No matter what I do to it, it just never seems wholly me. It feels cluttered and too much for the eyes. I’m going to be working hard on this over the next few months, doing everything I can to get it where I want it to be; a positive space that feels just as much as home as the room I inhabit.
Change is never an easy thing. Sometimes it feels impossible. It feels like you are the only person in the world who is uncomfortable in their skin without the knowledge to change and grow. I know this feeling, but I am going to challenge it. I am going to challenge myself to not give up and to push through self-destructive instincts and carve a me who I love.